October 22nd, 2004

Current Music: Alice in Chains - Nutshell Time: 08:50 pm Current Mood: thankful

Wow. I havent written for like half an year. Been to Istanbul again. I MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS MISS all of them and the city so much. Thanks for everything, A LOT. Actually i'm too tired to go out and i dont wanna see Robin no more. He's history. He turned into someone without feelings. We already broke up some time ago, but i have to make sure that i also broke up in mind. And i thinkkkk i did. Also, thank uuuuuuuu (u know that i mean YOU!heh) that u showed me that it exists what i missed on him. Alice in Chains and me will go to bed... love..

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May 17th, 2004

Time: 06:30 pm

Happy loving Birthday MEL & TUNC! I wish u all the best, you both are so cute. I hope you have a nice day!!! <3.

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April 17th, 2004

Current Music: Monster Magnet - Space Lord Time: 04:28 pm Current Mood: horny

This morning after my best friend went... i received kinky messages and i took bitch photos! ;) Tonight will be a great night. yea.

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April 15th, 2004

Time: 01:01 pm

ISTANBUL PART 2 awwwww! haha waiting for the taxi this GREAT shot hehehe awww he's a sweetie <3

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Current Music: Flash Royal - Uzak hehe Time: 12:49 pm Current Mood: happy

ISTANBUL was so wonderful. I miss them all already! I wanna go back, amazing city. <3 <3 <3<3<3<3<3<33<3<3<3<3 getting my tattoo :)

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March 13th, 2004

Time: 03:13 pm

Ive been to Kiel some weeks ago, where my mom is working weekdays. IKEA having dinner with my mom i saw her flat for the first time (since shes working there):) Hey Honey! bathwater Becos i'm an exhibitionist! nah.. The breakfast she's made me next morning :) shopping afterwards

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Time: 03:04 pm

here are pix from a friends BDAY: Lena Lena & me It's all about the red hat hehe Karo lol - me

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January 2nd, 2004

Time: 10:56 pm Current Mood: indescribable

Holy new year...oh yeah... I'm wondering what 2004 brings. I know it just cant be better than 2003. It began not thaaat good, but lets see... Lets see, i miss you. I dont give up hope. Without hope, i wouldnt be alive anymore. I had thoughts...suicidal. But i always said, before doing this, i rather do anything crazy, living life to the unbelievable max, try different things and now i will do? Lets see, if it works.

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December 31st, 2003

Time: 11:33 am Current Mood: tired

Have been ages since i last posted. Yesterday i kissed 2 men.. When hes not there, i feel like my arm is missing. He is simply a part of me. Why cant he understand that everything is just perfect. Everyone wants to see us together, i want to see us together(?) and what does he want? I wish we could only spend new years together, but we cant.

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December 4th, 2003

Current Music: Hellacopters - Its goooood but its just aint right! Time: 10:41 pm Current Mood: thirsty

Got this from Kozizi :) I FEEL: satisfaction I SEE : disaster I NEED: someone I FIND: a digicam I WANT: water I HAVE: my phantasy back!!!!!!!!!!!! I WISH: its going up right now I LOVE: taking baths and playing my Jaguar (+ doing new songs) I HATE: his stupidity I MISS: soft skin I FEAR: nothing except the death I HEAR: Hellacopters I SMELL: blood I CRAVE: iLLi I SEARCH: amps I WONDER: if we fit together but no I REGRET: nothing WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU.... SMILED: today of cos LAUGHED: in my art class. having fun. CRIED: 6 days ago or so. BOUGHT SOMETHING: today DANCED: today WERE SARCASTIC: today KISSED SOMEONE: 4 days ago WATCHED YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE: 2 weeks ago A Last Time For Everything LAST BOOK YOU READ: Salinger - "The catcher in the rye" LAST MOVIE YOU SAW: cant remember LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK: tea LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED: yesterday LAST THING YOU ATE: rice DO YOU...? SMOKE: occasionaly.. DO DRUGS: hmm HAVE SEX: casual SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS: no. i think it lies under my bed :( LIVE IN THE MOMENT: 50% HAVE A BF/GF: not anymore HAVE A RECURRENT DREAM: sort of PLAY AN INSTRUMENT: yep BELIEVE THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS: no. either the planets are too hot or too cold..urban spacemen REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE: yes, every day. I would love to see him again one time (after 4 years...) READ THE NEWSPAPER: yes HAVE ANY GAY OR LESBIAN FRIENDS: yes BELIEVE IN MIRACLES: yes BELIEVE IT IS POSSIBLE TO STAY FAITHFUL FOREVER: impossible CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS: hmm not often. CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE: nah, but it can turn out as one. LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL: no HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY: chocolate (marabu..) BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY: yeah BELIEVE IN MAGIC: yes BELIEVE IN GOD: sorry, i have to reject PRAY: no GO TO CHURCH: in a touristic way.. HAVE ANY SECRETS: yes HAVE ANY PETS: no DO WELL IN SCHOOL: its ok GO TO OR PLAN TO GO TO COLLEGE: yeah WEAR HATS: rarely but i like hats a lot HAVE ANY PIERCINGS: yes. nose. monroe. ears. HATE YOURSELF: no. HAVE AN OBSESSION: music. people. life. styles. life changes and changes and life changes! dark haired green eyed beautiful men. future. power. cornflake girl. glam. interesting peopleeee (Again.) -again- interesting lifestyles. always on the run. masturbating. i have loads of obsessions. COLLECT ANYTHING: only what i consider as is worth enough to keep. concert tickets. HAVE A BEST FRIEND: yes LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING: depends HAVE ANY BAD HABITS: yes.

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November 20th, 2003

Time: 08:35 pm

I feel like going... Bye world.. WYIN..

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November 18th, 2003

Current Music: G'nR-Think about you Time: 02:43 pm Current Mood: awake

yeaaaaaaaaaaaa i love orgasms and Guns'n Roses these timeeees. gets madddddddddddddddd. :) these are the only things where i feel happy between exam stress and bad weather. I thinkkkkkkkkkkk about youuuuuuuuuuu, you KNOW i do i think about you, only you i think about you, its true... wohooo.

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November 13th, 2003

Current Music: Alice in Chains - Nutshell Time: 03:41 pm Current Mood: devious

I'm feeling weird. Neither happy nor sad. I'm feeling like getting into sth excessive. I don't like being at his place without him, i don't like being with him when he thinks alot and never tells... I dunno what he thinks... I feel I'm disappearing. Alice in Chains and your old flat. Alice in Chains and your old feelings. Alice in Chains and my new feelings. Gimme Cocaine, i wanna have it.

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October 18th, 2003

Time: 07:07 pm

Placebo was fab, also David Bowie on thursday. I wanna post pix from the Placebo show!!! But i am desperated, i need an address, where i can upload my pix without any problems and fast! Pls help... these are pix from a digicam and don't work with yahoo photos. I just cant upload them! Damn these things! :(

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October 8th, 2003

Current Music: Marilyn Manson Time: 07:25 pm Current Mood: stressed

Oh oh. my love and me wanna have the same guitar from ebay. And now -- who is gonna get it? This time its me: I sa it first, i need it now, it would be his second guitar and i dont have that much money. Everything is fully stress now. I'm tired cos i slept may 6 hours every night and school blaaaa. But i'm also pretty excited! I'm gonna see Placebo tomorrow! yayyyy gonna see Briannnn ;D

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October 5th, 2003

Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Blue skies bring tears Time: 01:19 pm Current Mood: artistic

I've put may the half of my friendlist from it. I was reading through heaps of journals (not all) and i decided ppl, who are not interesting for me or where i know, i would never reply, i put them from my friendslist. But soon i will read all the others. I think when i get my digicam (in 2 months or so?) my journal will be also much more interesting. I'm fine, i am really. My boyfriend and me spoke about some things which are important for me. Yes for him its like good when im there but when im not it doesnt matter. He answered it with yes. Even if truth hurts, it didn't anymore after a few minutes later. This answer is like a relief, cos things are clearer. Coz i really appreciate his honesty. Its so much better than so called feel good lies. Isn't it? I know we shouldn't quit and i know that i want a bit distance. Thats probably better and i have more time for myself. Now i wanna stay with him. Only someone whom i really fall into love with can tear us apart. This is my honesty. I say it as it is. :)

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October 2nd, 2003

Time: 11:04 pm Current Mood: pissed off

we don't understand each other that good anymore. we don't care about each other that much anymore. I have the bad feeling that he likes it when i'm there but nothing else. As i said he makes no effort. Actually i so like his personality and he is the most similar character to my own. But he is... and then sometimes, he surprises me. with a nice act, so I think, yea i wanna be with him. But its a long process. He is here now and if nothings gonna change, sooner or later i will quit, thats for sure. Also i wanna go party on weekends, but NO, because he doesn't want to (never), i'm always sheepish enough to stay home with him and instead of cuddling etc, he's into his TV or anything else so much more interested than in me. I dunno, i don't have to do this. It shouldn't sound arrogant, but there are every day men who want to go out with me and i'm absolutely not interested in. May i should ?!?! People who treat me with respect, i treat them with respect. But do never underestimate. good night...

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September 26th, 2003

Current Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Glass and the Ghost children Time: 01:35 pm Current Mood: hungry

OH MY GOD! YOU MADE ME HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Actually got pretty much disappointment from school exams but two things made me really happy! FIRST: The fact that my love is really unbelievable. He got it what i mean! All by himself ;). Yes, yes i'm so proud and happy about this. He pays loads more attention to me, more cuddling and everything. Hopefully its not just a short phase. SECOND: I got my soulsis back! i got my soulsis back! She was writing such a lovely email. We had, sorry, we HAVE a dream together and she made the first step. She moved from Ankara to Istanbul awww honey! And don't worry about the student hotel. Later, you will get your flat for sure, heh? :D. I know i promised you, Mel and Seher that i will come to Istanbul! YEA AND I WILL FOR SURE! ...but i dunno when.. I try to explain: The flight is very expensive (like 200 euro one way!) and i'm saving, you know what for. But i will keep my eye on special cheep flights, last minute or whatever. Coz you 3 are so amazing. Have to meet you! Oh when you're here in Germany ..wohoooo! And Mel and Seher are prolly coming to Amsterdam New years eve? That would rock, i could be there. But my future is in the stars. If i wanna do a big journey after graduation, i need to save A LOT. But may i would even live for half an year in Istanbul or so!!! Who knows? Money is now an organisation problem. But i do try my best! :) Dilfer, i loveyouloveyouloveyou! Ehehe and you can always call me glitterbitch lol!

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September 21st, 2003

Current Music: Blackmail Time: 10:22 pm Current Mood: creative

OH MY GOD! How lovely! I got a postcard from Mel and Seher!!! MWAHHHHHHH. It made my day, it was just such a surprise! :D Oh and then. Between babes and me...sad things. Hard to explain. I know he didn't get me really, he should be in my body in these moments and then he may know. But i told him, he does everything wrong, but thats just not right! It's not about doing sth right or wrong, but ahhhh, how can i explain? it's an attention thing. He should show me how much he likes me, he should have ambition to cuddle, kiss etc etc. and not when hes horny. Well like i said before, he should make an effort to keep me, should be more active and spontanous. Anyway, that was the time when i was doubting. I know he did as well, he even said so. Couldn't get the words out of my head again :(. Others would say: Quit, before it destroys you. And i say, no, may its just a short phase. He's human! I hate this ending up relationship thing and i don't wanna. Today i met him for only 5 minutes to get my shoes. he was so sweet, i was like wow. :))))))))))) Oh yeah and i'm going to PLACEBO on october the 9th in Berlin! :)

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September 14th, 2003

Current Music: I am the one you want can't look u in the eye. Subject: girls are not complicated. We are just too smart i guess. Time: 02:04 pm Current Mood: tired

I just wanted to say.......i wanted to say....that YOU could make an effort to keep me. It's hard to explain, but i always feel bad and blame myself for your mistakes, mistakes you don't get. These are only little things, but the small things, are THOSE things, which count. And men don't get if they are on about to destroy something. Placebo concert was just one dream, one wish, so why can't u fulfill it. just one time. Why the fuck do u hardly make any effort for me. I can't force u, i don't wanna beg you. There are things which you should catch on by yourself. And yesterday was beautiful. Weed fest. We had fun and we should do that whenever we can. Jaja so nice, thats why i said what i meant in the darkness. 3 words. 3 universal words.

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